[journal] that i definitely do know

march is a long month! and this will be a long ass post lol

living shit

• went on seattle roadtrip and realized the last time i travelled anywhere out of province was 2019... the border agent asked "when's the last time you were in the states?" and i was literally like UHHH my mind blanked so hard. it was a fun day trip though! good times with friends, but why was the driving/traffic soooo horrific... not that i was the one driving lol :) Anyway my annoying ass in seattle: *pointing* OMG the ferris wheel from tlou2!!!
• recently i finally learned the proper badminton technique for serving... i still lack power stamina etc and i fumble a lot with changing grip responsively but i've definitely come a long way from where i started. being able to discern your own improvement is very rewarding, as is consistency, as is the entire-body ache afterward LOL
• recently started playing piano again, a little bit, when i'm at my parents' place, bc our piano's probably going to have to be sold soon and i'd better make the most of it and 10 years after i graduated the piano program with a stunning 80% i can finally return to it and be like, Ok what's all this then. I'M NOT GOING TO LIE, a large part of this was directly due to me watching the fabelmans (2022), that one scene where she's playing that beethoven sonata and i was like HOLY SHIT... i used to play that beethoven sonata!! And you know how watching someone play the piano is always so fun and i guess i was like damn... i used to do that... but it wasn't fun :( and now enough time has passed since All That that i feel curiosity for it for the first time. harmless wonder & pleasure etc :]
• having weird feelings about intent and interpersonal relationships and just like, ugh, i thought you got over/learned these things ages ago, why am i still closed off when i'd like not to be. genuinely one of my life's countless eternal tasks is just learning how to be more openhearted. Literally how long will it take u to learn this lesson old man. oh well we keep trying etc.

movies (2)

DECISION TO LEAVE (2022): finally watched this after missing out on seeing it in theatres last year due to covid. it was sooo thrilling and fun to watch esp in the first half... their negotiating circling slow dance of curiosity and attraction around and with each other, the way it's all filmed so playfully :] when she pulls up and watches him beat up that guy and they make startled eye contact thru the car window like HELLO? But also, and this sounds sooo dumb ik... downer ending :'( i was literally like Nooo.... that's sad!!!

THE FABELMANS (2022): enjoyed this! to be honest the dialogue was hit or miss for me--some moments felt unearned to me, for lack of a better word, which i guess really just means they didn't hit. meanwhile others were like Damn go off (high school hallway scene)

television (why do i watch so much tv)

CHANNEL ZERO S4 (THE DREAM DOOR): ok guys... First of all this is a horror tv show and the season is about a creepy contortionist murder clown. Ok now that that's out of the way. WHY DID THIS CREEPY CONTORTIONIST MURDER CLOWN GET TO ME SO BAD?! ok let me explain. basically what if your loneliness manifested the contortionist clown u drew as a child into a real contortionist clown that acted purely to make you happy. and like obviously it's terrifying at first bc hello, CONTORTIONIST CLOWN? that is brutally killing everyone who makes u angry? but then she starts to understand it and recognize it--because it's the beloved drawing that cheered her up as a kid, when she had nobody and nothing else--and then the end of ep 3 where they confront each other and he starts doing the flipbook contortionist routine for her to make her happy and then they hug each other... AGH! unfortunately that was also the best part of the whole season but it's fine... channel zero as a tv show is really all about the Concepts for the most part, not so much things like PLOT or PACING lmao.

more thoughts under cut

• i saw over-friendly neighbour is secretly evil twist coming from a mile away, but i did NOT clock the secret stepbrother incestuous obsession twist damn. anyway although i think the Concept, again, was there--they were both so lonely! they were robbed of having each other!--it was all actually pretty boring in its execution. also i think it's so funny how unimaginative this guy was compared to his half-sister like. Pretzel jack vs just a normal guy... and evil crayons i guess? Lmfaooo
• i think the characterizations this season were a little weak... like protag didn't really feel that developed outside of specific moments of anger or grief because all she did was React to situations. they also dragged out the husband's "secret" for way too long blah blah blah. THAT SAID, the scene of her brutally stabbing her husband's clone was soooo good, that she got to have that moment, and then afterward when he was trying to reassure her like "don't worry, it's okay, it's not like you were actually killing me" she said "I think I was killing you." yeah!
• i'm actually so sad pretzel jack died T_____T ?! ok i get it it's all about her moving on from her childhood and finding someone to actually trust in and rely on (aka her husband or whateverrr) but STILL......... Genuinely best character of the whole season.
• anyway the image that's still stuck with me is of the ep 1 ending aka pretzel jack's first kill for how scary and well-done it was. she's arguing with the guy across the room and between them, out of their sight but visible only to the audience, is an open doorway... and the whole time i'm expecting him to appear there... when i look closer and realize there's this weird shape at the bottom of the doorway... and that's HIM... HE'S ALREADY THERE..... and then he uncontorts fully into himself and comes out and violently stabs the other guy to death. roll credits. applause etc. GREAT first episode as always!!

THE LAST OF US: lol i just think like, you know, whatever, it's an adaptation, it's tv, sure! it's different! But also the guys who made sure to insert a ham-fisted joel suicide confession right before he shoots up the whole hospital just so that, you know, nobody would miss WHY he decided to shoot up the whole hospital, could simply never understand <3 Like godspeed. The way after the winter chapter in the game joel so awkwardly tries and fails to cheer ellie up, because he can't say anything that will take away what she's been through, and he's also not the type of person--especially at this time--who can know the right thing to say in the moment, is so REAL and HUMAN and again some ppl will simply never get it <3

also, the "behind the episode" things they show after each ep on HBO always make my sister so incandescently furious it's sooooo funny. bc she is always disagreeing with their little thoughts behind the episode lol... anyway in the last one when the guy was smugly like "And that's why this is the most beautiful story ever told in the entire genre of video games" or whatever she almost attacked the screen LMFAOOO

SUCCESSION: sis and i managed to finish our rewatch RIGHT before s4 premiere aired! i don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said by everyone else but i really appreciated the side characters this rewatch... for instance frank is simply a hilarious character. every time we make a literary reference in conversation we quote logan: why don't you take your library card and fuck off!! (also logan's delirious "who was nasty to frank? only i'm allowed to be nasty to frank" I GENUINELY FELT A FEELING...)

as for the premiere itself i really liked the episode... the sibs working together like Ahh i know this won't last but i will enjoy it while i can. logan is a perfectly written character imo... when he called colin his pal and when he started asking for jokes from his employees who are terrified of him. court jesters for the king! the way he resents himself for missing his own kids and takes it out on the world. ALSO, tom and shiv... there's no way they actually divorce imo. watching these three seasons in quick succession (lol) really compounds the tragedy of it all and for tom and shiv in particular i just think it's soo sad... that they do genuinely love each other. it wouldn't be this freaking awful if they didn't actually love each other. real honesty vulnerability etc are so rare in their relationship for obvious reasons and i just think the way he delivered the line "Do you really want to get into a full accounting of all the pain in our marriage?" shot thru me like a bullet augh.

YELLOWJACKETS: also watched this premiere and can i just say the lottie scream was the most perfect cut to intro credits sequence i have ever seen... just as the you know what eating scene was the most perfect cut to end credits sequence ever. absolutely unhinged energy i somehow managed to forget this show delivers. ngl i remember kinda losing interest a bit in the latter half of s1 but i'm excited to see where s2 goes!

ONE PIECE: Oh yeah real quick gotta mention how much i love one piece is about CHANGING IRREVOCABLY... no idea what's up with sanji but the implications really are just like damn. So u really do have to become what uve hated and feared most since childhood in order to continue forward in this new world huh. What would u do for the sake of something called a dream etc. anyway congratulations to KILLER for getting his moment. cant wait to see lawkid cringefail duo this weekend <3

video games

just added this section to say i am finally shenhe haver now. And which cryo dps will she be supporting? No <3

listening

O (CIRCLE) - ONEW: i love this song so much <3 feels like spring... but i also love the mv for its unsettling vibes and the ominous shots of blood throughout like whoa what's going on here. And seriously the lyrics kill.

Watch on YouTube

and the entire rest of my listening is NMIXX. LOVE ME LIKE THIS is fine and fun but it's definitely a little boring compared to their previous releases. speaking of which, TANK has finally gotten to me. yes it's true... like a tank i'm a. also i enjoy the bridge on YOUNG DUMB STUPID but i really can't listen to the song because the chorus is... that... 😭 but hey who's to say i won't get brainwashed someday. they do seem to hold that power over me.

reading (?)

LOLLLLL I JUST KNOW MY WHOLE LIFE WOULD BE FIXED IF I COULD READ A BOOK RN <- written before i finally started reading books again!

for this month's poetry i reread BRIGHT DEAD THINGS (ada limón) which a gifted me for my birthday :') i also "read" the world keeps ending and the world goes on by franny choi at work one day which proves why you should never try to read poetry at work. i'm not counting it because why did it all just wash off me like water wtf. Retained nothing except the one (1) poem i read it for in the first place, CATASTROPHE IS NEXT TO GODLINESS, so yea i have to reread it :/

anyway i'm about halfway through ON SWIFT HORSES by shannon pufahl. i'm enjoying it a lot though i can sense that the slow pace and the writing style might bounce off some--every single paragraph a sentence will begin "She thinks" and then dip egregiously into deep memory, but i'm a sucker for introspection and retrospection so i'm eating it all up with a spoon. i'm really enjoying the prose, the throughline of secret illicit things--gambling, cheating, freedom, desire, luck--the way she writes about love etc:

He feels wonderfully alone. This is what love feels like to him. As if finally he's touching the very outside of himself, pressed against the limits of his body, singular, replete.

i actually also started reading WOLF HALL randomly and am 58 pages into 802 and i won't lie idk how likely i am to finish this and i don't know shit about the history but i'm just enthralled by every sentence. so i return to that every once in a while to remember what a captivating sentence is like. you know how it is.

He never sees More--a star in another firmament, who acknowledges him with a grim nod--without wanting to ask him, what's wrong with you? Or what's wrong with me? Why does everything you know, and everything you've learned, confirm you in what you believed before? Whereas in my case, what I grew up with, and what I thought I believed, is chipped away a little and a little, a fragment then a piece and then a piece more.

lastly, i went to the library for the first time since 2019... the pandemic really somehow killed my library-going... i used to practically live there. but i borrowed several books i'm excited to (hopefully) read!!

writing

wrote probably the most me thing ever, op timeskip aftermath fic titled after my favourite poem in the world, overly dramatic stuff about change and taking understanding for granted and greed and loss etc. guys did u know... i love one piece...

then went back to my orv gsnk au wip. Which is going to be sooooo freaking long like what the hell. but thats what i get for wanting to do justice to two of my most beloved stories of all time. I just love stories that are about how loving stories can act as both a bridge and as a wall :] But yeah there's something to be said for the writing strategy of ending for the day during the middle of a scene that's easy for you to pick up next time because why did i end on the hardest line ever i haven't touched this doc in a week bc idk how i'm gonna follow up that sentence. UGH! 

the last sentence in question, btw:

hey wait i think actually i've hacked it... actually, i think the scene needs to end here. I SEE. Another win for writing secretly being not writing!!